Funny Quotes 2013: Funny Retirement Quotes

Funny Retirement Quotes Definition

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Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
Anonymous
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
George Bernard Shaw
Retirement to me does not mean nothing to do but the realization of the decisions I made in the past. That I made in my life.
Jack Bowman
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!
Groucho Marx
I feel like early retirement is an incredible gift. It's a gift that everyone should give themselves.
Anonymous
Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known.
Lord Chesterfield
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Abe Lemons
I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension!
Anonymous
Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.
Harry Emerson Fosdick
When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned.
Richard Milhouse Nixon
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.
George Burns
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
Gene Perret
Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials - much to live on and much to live for.
Anonymous
We have no porch, no rocking chair - and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do. Now I encourage people to retire - the younger the better.
Maurice Musholt
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
Malcolm Forbes
Age (and retirement) appear to be best in four things - old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
Francis Bacon
As to that leisure evening of life, I must say that I do not want it. I can conceive of no contentment of which toil is not to be the immediate parent.
Anthony Trollope
No longer having to punch a time clock is my definition of retirement. That way I could do what I want - when I want - anytime I want.
Brooky Brown
There are so many other interesting ways to spend your time. I feel like early retirement is a gift, but it's such an incredible gift. It's a gift I need to use.
Martha Felt-Bardon
The money's no better in retirement but the hours are!
Anonymous
I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.
Anonymous
Retirement is surely one of those times in life when you get a second chance to being free again, after student life got over. Make sure you make the most of your retirement days!
People who refuse to rest honorably on their laurels when they reach retirement age seem very admirable to me.
Helen Hayes
It was the labor movement that helped secure so much of what we take for granted today. The 40-hour work week, the minimum wage, family leave, health insurance, Social Security, Medicare, retirement plans. The cornerstones of the middle-class security all bear the union label.
Barack Obama
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.
Drew Carey A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service. - Harry Mahtar

* A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

* Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. - Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

* First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

* Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

* Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

* Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949

* I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

* I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule

* I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

* I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! – Anonymous

* I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps. - Merri Brownworth

* If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

* If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

* If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin, actor, comedian, singer

* In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

* In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day. – Anonymous

* Life begins at retirement. – Anonymous

* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. – Anonymous

* Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. - J. Lubbock

* Retire from work, but not from life. - M.K. Soni

* Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

* Retirement has been a discovery of beauty for me. I never had the time before to notice the beauty of my grandkids, my wife, the tree outside my very own front door. And, the beauty of time itself. - Hartman Jule

* Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

* Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. - Ernest Hemingway, writer

* Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

* Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it. - Abigail Charleson

* Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm Forbes

* Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

* Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

* Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." - Gene Perret

* Retirement: World's longest coffee break. – Anonymous

* Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. - Douglas Pagels, These

* Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You

* The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. – Anonymous

* The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. – Anonymous

* The money's no better in retirement but the hours are! - Anonymous

* The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman, prize fighter

* The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller, comedian

* The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

* There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half

* There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes, cartoonist

* When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

* When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

* When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. – Anonymous

* When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

* You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Anonymous

* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith