Funny Quotes 2013

Thursday 25 July 2013

Funny Quotes About Friday

Funny Quotes About Friday Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
I've been saying for a couple of years now that people need to let God out of the Sunday morning box, that He doesn't want to just be with you for an hour or two on Sunday morning and then put back in His box to sit there until you have an emergency, but He wants to invade your Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Joyce Meyer
The government's view is that the best time to announce bad news, news that it doesn't want the public to dwell on is late on a Friday, when it will wind up in the Saturday papers, which if you were readers, then the week day editions. A holiday weekend is even better.
Bob Schieffer
And if you ask again whether there is any justice in the world, you'll have to be satisfied with the reply: Not for the time being; at any rate, not up to this Friday.
Alfred Doblin
I hadn't worked for a year when I had my Prison Break audition and it was the easiest audition I've ever had. I got the script on Friday, went to the audition on Monday and got the part on Tuesday. I was shooting the pilot a week later. I didn't have time to be nervous - it happened so quickly.
Wentworth Miller
Black Friday is not another bad hair day in Wall Street. It's the term used by American retailers to describe the day after the Thanksgiving Holiday, seen as the semi-official start of Christmas shopping season.
Evan Davis
My mobile rang around lunchtime one day, and it was George Michael. He wanted to come in on Friday. We were like, 'okay, if that's what you want'. And he was a very good guest. That's a real exception to the rule.
Graham Norton
For most Americans, Friday afternoons are filled with positive anticipation of the weekend. In Washington, it's where government officials dump stories they want to bury. Good news gets dropped on Monday so bureaucrats can talk about it all week.
John Sununu
Every Friday I used to have about fifty, sixty kids who would wait for me on Sunset Boulevard and I'd take them all to dinner. All runaways.
Al Lewis
There are pros and cons of experience. A con is that you can't look at the business with a fresh pair of eyes and as objectively as if you were a new CEO. Fire yourself on a Friday night and come in on Monday morning as if a search firm put you there as a turn-around leader. Can you be objective and make the bold change?
Andrea Jung
There are pros and cons of experience. A con is that you can't look at the business with a fresh pair of eyes and as objectively as if you were a new CEO. Fire yourself on a Friday night and come in on Monday morning as if a search firm put you there as a turn-around leader. Can you be objective and make the bold change?
Andrea Jung
I just started as a part of the public school music program. I took lessons at the school every Friday and was a part of the school band. I was just a normal kid taking instrumental lessons at school, nothing special.
Kenny G
I understand what's it like to work all week and on Friday night just want to go and leave your brain at the door, buy some popcorn and be thrilled by something.
Don Cheadle
I came home every Friday afternoon, riding the six miles on the back of a big mule. I spent Saturday and Sunday washing and ironing and cooking for the children and went back to my country school on Sunday afternoon.
Ida B. Wells
I was an OK boxer, I wasn't great, I was OK, but I loved the discipline of getting together every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, usually Saturday afternoons too, with a whole bunch of mates and training, very, very hard for about two-and-half hours.
Liam Neeson
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Happy Friday! I haven't been so excited about Friday since last Friday.
Good Friday morning all....Make it happen today, we all have choices to make. Make them count, no matter how small.
Friday night football games are the best part of High school.
The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND!
It's Friday! I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
This Weekend's Forecast: Drunk with a good chance of making an ass out of myself.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.
Every Friday, I feel like I deserve a flavored latte for all my hard work during the week.
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.
Happy Friday the 13th everyone, I heard if you stand infront of a mirror and say One Direction 5 times, they come out and haunt you.
On Friday the 13th weird things are supposed to happen...Maybe I'll get in to a relationship. happy friday the 13th!
Happy Friday The 13th! Don't look what's under your bed tonight & don't turn off the light. You don't know what's coming. Have a good day!
Don't walk under any ladders, Don't break any mirrors, Don't spill any salt, And don't walk by any black cats. happy friday the 13th!
FACT : Friday the 13th happens 3 times this year, each 13 weeks apart from the other. This hasn't happened since 1984. happy friday the 13th.
Tonight I plan on having such an awesome night, Morgan Freeman should narrate it.
Today I'm poking holes in condoms and passing them out at Wal-Mart. happy friday the 13th.
Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it! happy friday!
Happy Friday! Focus where you want to go today and then set everything to go there. The 1st hour of the entire day counts!
Good morning, give someone you love a hug and tell them you love them because they might just need it this morning. happy friday.
Happy Friday everyone! Forget all the bad things you've encountered this week and have a great weekend.
Happy Friday! What will you do today to support your local economy? Support a local independent business and shop local.
Today is Friday. Let's all have a ball. Be happy. Let the negativity go and be free.
Happy Friday everyone! Your BIG Dreams come from BIG inspirations!
Good morning! May your day be filled with random outbursts of infectious giggles! Doing the happy friday dance.
Beautiful morning, blessed day and possible transformation for the better are the things I prayed for everyone to have. happy friday.
Happy Friday everyone! May your weekend be full of adventure and cheer, and may the start of next week be a long ways from here.
The best thing about Friday's is of course that they are the start to the weekend.

I love Fridays, I know that the next day is Saturday and the weekend is here. I can relax, unwind and do my things, go out and have fun knowing, I don't have to wake up early the next morning.
Friday signals the end of the typical workweek, so everything that happened in that week stays in that week. And even though you absolutely love your job, you still look forward to the weekend.
The weekend gives you a chance to relax and spend time with the people you love.

Have a fabulous Friday everyone!
''Love''
Dusana

Have a look at some funny Friday quotes

''I understand what's it like to work all week and on Friday night just want to go and leave your brain at the door, buy some popcorn and be thrilled by something.''
~Don Cheadle~

''If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.''
~Noel Coward~

''Not for nothing is their motto TGIF - 'Thank God It's Friday.' They live for the weekends, when they can go do what they really want to do.''
~Richard Nelson Bolles~

''Make each day of the week like Friday and your life will take on new enthusiasm.''
~Byron Pulsifer~

''Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie or
Friday with no two pizzas.''
~TV show Friends~

"The only reason Monday was made, is so that you can look forward to Friday!"
~Anonymous~

''I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4%
Friday.''
~Anonymous~

''If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Friday, he wouldn't want me here either.''
~Unknown~

The best thing about Friday is telling my coworkers:
''What is the chips-shop owner's favorite day?''
''Fry-day!''
One day they will laugh. One day ...
~Unknown~

Funny Quotes About Friday

Kevin Hart Seriously Funny Quotes

Kevin Hart Seriously Funny Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
American actor and comedian, Kevin Hart was born July 6, 1978. Hart was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He is known in stand-up comedy for several stand-up TV specials for Comedy Central, including I'm a Grown Little Man (2009) and Seriously Funny (2010).

Personal Life

Kevin Hart is a graduate of George Washington High School, and attended Temple University for two years.

Hart married Terrie Hart in 2003. In March 2005, his daughter Heaven Leigh Hart and on November 8, 2007, his son Hendrix Hart were born.

Regarding to her daughter, he, half-joking, said that he does not want her to “become a stripper”.

In 2010, Kevin Hart legally separated from his wife, who also tours as a stand-up comedian herself. Her stand-up act is all about Kevin and why she should have filed for divorce a long time ago.

Achieving success in his local region, he quit his job as a shoe salesman and embarked on a career in comedy.

Career

Kevin Heart’s talent also land him to be in a lot of feature films, such as Undeclared (2001), Scary Movie 3 (2003), Death of a Dynasty (2003), Along Came Polly (2004), Soul Plane (2004), The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005), Scary Movie 4 (2006), Epic Movie (2007), Fool’s Gold (2007), Superhero Movie (2007), Extreme Movie (2008), Meet Dave (2008), Drillbit Taylor (2008), Party Down (2009), Not Easily Broken (2009), Death at a Funeral (2009), Something Like a Business (2010) Little Fockers (2010), 35 and Ticking (2011), Let Go (2011), The Precious One (2011).

In 2008, Hart was featured in Three 6 Mafia's music video for "Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body)" and in 2009, Hart appeared in a series of eBay commercials. Also in 2009, Hart played a sorcerer, "Zezelryck," in a comedy television series for Comedy Central, Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire.

Kevin Hart's stand up comedy tour is coming to Mansfield University of Pennsylvanias Straughn Hall.

Kevin Hart's stand up comedy performance will take place on Saturday, September 16, from 8 p.m., but the door will open at 7p.m.

Kevin Hart's stand up comedy show Seriously Funny, which was released on DVD this year, is the comedian's second Comedy Central special, after his 2009 I'm a Grown Little Man.

Kevin Hart's stand up I'm A Grown Little Man, as well as Seriously Funny debuted as one of the highest rated specials of Comedy Central.

Well-known for his stand up comedy specials, as well as for hosting BET's comedy series Comic View: One Mic Stand, Kevin Hart is also an actor, having starred this year in Death at a Funeral.

Tickets for Kevin Hart's stand up comedy performance are $15 and can be purchased online at tix.com or at the MU Campus Bookstore in Alumni Hall.

MU students have one free ticket, which they can pick up at the Student Activities Office in Alumni Hall, Room 324, after presenting their ID.

In our Stand up Comedy Concert Section, you can watch online Kevin Hart's stand up comedy video: Seriously Funny. Enjoy!

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Kevin Hart Seriously Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes About Marriage

Funny Quotes About Marriage Definition

Source(google.com.pk).
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
Winston Churchill
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it's not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
Amy Grant
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
Oscar Wilde
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
Doug Larson
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Oscar Wilde
If I get married, I want to be very married.
Audrey Hepburn
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
Judith Viorst
Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
Benjamin Franklin
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
James H. Boren
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Katharine Hepburn
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
Abraham Lincoln
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
Martin Luther
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Michel de Montaigne
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
Oscar Wilde
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Learn Marriage and Love God's Way Love and Marriage (4 CD Audio Set )
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Marriages may be made in heaven, but they sure have to be managed right here on earth. That's easier said than done. Take a dig at the funny side of marriage. These funny marriage quotes are good stress busters. They make you laugh at the banalities of marriage. When you read funny marriage quotes, you realize that even a perfect marriage has its inherent flaws but those flaws add to the charm of marriage.

Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Patrick Murray
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Henry Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Joyce Brothers
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

Homer
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Lord Byron
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Katharine Hepburn
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.

Joyce Brothers
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

George Lichtenberg
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

There are many who believe that 'Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence!' Whether you are indeed 'married' or if you are 'single', I am sure that funny quotes on weddings and marriages always tend to put a wicked smile to the face. It is often said that 'People who are married are often desperate to get out of it and people who are single can't wait to get in!'

Either way, please feel free to get-in and explore these selections of quotable quotes from some famous people who have managed to see the lighter side to this oft forlorn institution! Wish you a happy reading time and make sure to share it with your friends on fb or Twitter!

Ambrose Bierce :
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Ann Landers :
“At every party there are two kinds of people . . . those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

Anonymous :
“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.”

Bill Cosby :
“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: The wife is in charge.”

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.”

“I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.”

Billie Holiday :
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen and she was sixteen. And I was three."

Bob Hope :
“Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.”

Cathy Ladman :
“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.”

Cher :
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing . . . and then marry him.”

“Husbands are like fires . . . they go out when they're left unattended.”

“I'm still friends with all my exes, apart from my husbands.”

Christopher Morley :
“The trouble with wedlock is that there’s not enough wed and too much lock”.

Dennis Miller :
“After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.”

Dolly Parton :
“My husband said 'show me your boobs' and I had to pull up my skirt... so it was time to get them done!”

Elizabeth Taylor :
“I'm a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too . . . for being married so many times.”

Erma Bombeck :
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”

Fibber McGee :
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."

George Bernard Shaw :
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.”

George Burns :
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Groucho Marx :
"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is of course . . . if you like living in an institution.”

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Helen Rowland :
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."

“One man's folly is another man's wife.”

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”

“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.”

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.”

“A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.”

“In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.”

“A man marries one woman to escape from many others, and then chases many others to forget he's married to one.”

Henny Youngman :
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

H. L. Mencken :
"The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.”

Jack Benny :
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”

Jackie Mason :
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

Jeff Foxworthy :
“Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.”

Jimmy Durante :
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Johnny Carson :
“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

Lewis Grizzard :
“I don't think I'll get married again. Every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.”

“Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.”

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”

“I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.”

Mae West :
“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.”

“A hard man is good to find.”

Mahatma Gandhi :
“I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage.”

Max Kaufman :
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."

Ogden Nash :
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

“To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.”

Oscar Wilde :
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”

Patrick Murray :
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Peter Kay :
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

Robert Frost :
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."

Robin Williams :
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Rodney Dangerfield :
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“"I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!"

“My wife was afraid of the dark . . . then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Roseanne Barr :
“My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”

Tony Curtis :
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."

Socrates :
"My advice to you is get married. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”

“As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.”

Winston Churchill :
Lady Nancy Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Woody Allen
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

Zsa Zsa Gabor :
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.”

“How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?”

“I know nothing about sex . . . because I was always married.”

Funny Quotes About Marriage

Funny Quotes About Kids

Funny Quotes About Kids Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
Children make your life important. ~Erma Bombeck
In a dark moment I ask, "How can anyone bring a child into this world?" And the answer rings clear, "Because there is no other world, and because the child has no other way into it." ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. ~Liz Armbruster, on robertbrault.com
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. ~Author Unknown
We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. ~Christopher Morley
A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. ~Author Unknown
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. ~William Stafford
The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. ~Neil Postman, The Disappearance of Childhood (introduction), 1982
Children are one third of our population and all of our future. ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. ~Rabindranath Tagore
You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. ~Bill Vaughan
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all. ~Pearl S. Buck
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. ~Franklin P. Jones
Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali
Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. ~Not Your Average Dictionary
I am fond of children - except boys. ~Lewis Carroll
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. ~George Bernard Shaw
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. ~Robert Benchley
The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. ~Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
Youth is a perpetual intoxication; it is a fever of the mind. ~François Duc de la Rochefoucauld
Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. ~Margaret Atwood
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt
Creative play is like a spring that bubbles up from deep within a child. ~Joan Almon
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. ~Benjamin Spock
Tarry a moment to watch the chaos of a playground, crayola-colored shirts of running children, all trying out their wings. ~Dr. SunWolf,
What is a home without children? Quiet. ~Henny Youngman
It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. ~John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. ~Robert Brault,
If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory. ~Robert Brault,Here's a selection of what I think are some of the best Christmas quotes. I hope you like them too!
Obviously "best" is a matter of personal preference, but maybe you'll have similar taste to me. Personally, I like quotes that are funny or give you the warm fuzzies, but are not overbearingly sentimental.
What are your favourite Christmas quotes? If you have one that you think deserves to be a place in my list of the "World's Best Christmas Quotes", then let me know!
When I made this list, I had Christmas card writing in mind. So, most of the quotes are perfect as Christmas card quotes that you can write alongside your personal message in your Christmas cards.
Funny Christmas Quotes
I hope that these funny Christmas sayings and humorous Christmas quotes bring a smile to your face like they did to mine!
By the way, I've deliberately left out quotes that I found too cynical. There are some very funny Christmas card sayings out there that on second thoughts reveal a dim view of human nature. Funny as they might be, they didn't make it onto my best Christmas quotes list. You might call this the optimists-only list :-)
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal."
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?
My favourite cute Christmas quotes to make you feel warm inside :-) Mostly they're short enough to work well as Christmas card quotes.
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.
From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other.
Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words.
When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness."
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,The gladness of Christmas give you hope,The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect."
To the American People: Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. If we think on these things, there will be born in us a Savior and over us will shine a star sending its gleam of hope to the world."
~Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933), American president.
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas."
May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!
Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.
Heap on the wood!-the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will,
We'll keep our Christmas merry still.
I love the Christmas-tide, and yet,
I notice this, each year I live;
I always like the gifts I get,
But how I love the gifts I give!
A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;It makes no noise at all,But softly gives itself away;While quite unselfish,
There are many kinds of quotes. If you need to funny quotes for Christmas. Then here we are providing you the best funny Christmas quotes and statuses that you can send to your dear once.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.
I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
A brilliant seasonal selection of Funny Christmas quotes and Funny Christmas Sayings to give you some Holiday cheer this year! If you're searching for greetings for your Facebook page, for Christmas cards and seasonal scrapbooks, here's some great and funny jokes, quotes and sayings you can use for some Holiday fun.
If you know someone else who could do with some Christmas cheer then pass this Funny Christmas Quotations page along. I love to read funny web pages when I need cheering up.
Be sure to bookmark (CTRL and D) this Funny Christmas Quotes page because I do keep this updated on an ongoing basis. And if you have any great Xmas Quotes to share, please do in the Comments section near the end of the article.
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."
~ Supplied by Helene-Malmsio
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
~ Bernard Manning
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." ~ Author Unknown
"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."
~ Kin Hubbard
"Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?"
~ Charles Schulz
"The price of Christmas toys is outrageous -- a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch."
~ Johnny Carson

Funny Quotes About Kids

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If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
More funny Dick Cavett quotes
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More funny Phyllis Diller quotes
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
Parents like the idea of kids, they just don't like their kids.
More funny Morley Safer quotes
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why -- he does.
More funny Joey Adams quotes
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
More funny Russell Baker quotes
I like children. Properly cooked.
More funny W. C. Fields quotes
Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.
More funny Lionel Kauffman quotes
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
More funny Robert Orben quotes
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
More funny George Bernard Shaw quotes
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
More funny Mark Twain quotes
I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
More funny Dave Barry quotes
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
More funny Erma Bombeck quotes
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
More funny Quentin Crisp quotes
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
More funny Erma Bombeck quotes
You make 'em, I amuse 'em.
More funny Dr. Theodore Seuss Geisel quotes
Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.
More funny John Wilmot quotes
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Horse Feathers)
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Horse Feathers)
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
More funny Samuel Butler quotes
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
More funny W. C. Fields quotes
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
More funny Oliver Wendell Holmes quotes
In automobile terms, the child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
More funny Benjamin Spock quotes
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
More funny Benjamin Spock quotes
I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.
More funny Tom Cruise quotes
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant
More funny Dean Martin quotes
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
More funny Sam Levenson quotes
When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
More funny Jackie Vernon quotes
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
Your sons weren't made to like you. That's what grandchildren are for.
More funny Jane Smiley quotes
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
More funny Red Buttons quotes
I didn’t make Dale Jr. go be a racer. The kid wanted to be a racer. I’d just as soon him be a doctor, a preacher or whatever. I’m not sure I’d want him to be a lawyer.
More funny Dale Earnhardt quotes
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
More funny Bob Hope quotes
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
More funny Dorothy Parker quotes
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
More funny Art Linkletter quotes
When you are 12, you no longer need the parents.
More funny Roman Polanski quotes
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
More funny Bill Vaughan quotes
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?"
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
More funny Victor Borge quotesThe Manchester United legend is retiring at the age of 71 - and during his years as manager he entertained us not only with his team's performance, but also his way with words. From rants to put-downs, expressions of delight to occasional bafflement But by far the best has come from those who've riffed on the romantic phrase, 'Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue'. And if these aren't enough to make your smile, check out these awkward couple photos and funny Valentine's Day quotes. funny or particularly thought provoking. You’ll want to choose your quotes or statistics carefully to ensure they resonate with your target market. You should also ensure your image and quote complements the industry you’re in. Since there are so many "First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden hosted a special Mother's Day tea to honor military mothers and show their appreciation and thanks for all the important work they do as well as the sacrifices their families have made in service of is an iPhone app developed by Alek. In Time to Smile!, you will see the best amusing and uplifting content curated from around the web, including the best jokes, funny pictures, anecdotes, quotes, sayings, and more. You can browse all of the content at Limetree is both a website and a mobile app for iOS which lets you chronicle pictures, videos, and funny sayings from your kids in an ongoing timeline of events both big and small. The app creates a virtual journal of audio and video memories, and I love .

Quoto is made up of a team of expert editors with a keen eye for errors, which ensures all quotes are correct and from an authoritative source. For more information on Quoto, or to find a short motivational message, visit quoto.com. Your most This would satisfy Pete's career fears, but the non-creative partners were insistent he keep hold of Bob Benson, who'd clocked up some time in Detroit before he'd come back to New York to essentially declare his love for Pete in last week's episode. Grumpy Cat, whose real name is Tardar Sauce, has what seems to be a permanent scowl on her face, which allows her owners to create all kinds of funny sayings for her memes notes to websites using the dogs’ image as their own and has started adding thoughtful and funny quotes. In addition to accurate quotes from a variety of historic and contemporary individuals, The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

    The greatest destroyer of peace is abortion because if a mother can kill her own child, what is left for me to kill you and you to kill me? There is nothing between.

    The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

    The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.

    The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

    The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.

    There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.

    There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.

    There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.

    There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well. They must have worked for it. I only feel angry when I see waste. When I see people throwing away things that we could use.

    We are all pencils in the hand of God.

    We can do no great things, only small things with great love.

    We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.

    We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

    We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.

    We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.

    We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.