Funny Quotes 2013: Cool Funny Quotes

Cool Funny Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.
I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.
All women crave attention, but Twitter and Facebook exposes all the women that can't function without it.
Since today is Valentine's day, I was wondering if you'd like to go back to MySpace, so I can Twitter with your Yahoo, until I Google all over your Facebook and we can Instagram our date... ;) Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone!!
Just because I like your Facebook status does not mean I want to sleep, date, or hangout with you...
Dear people who update their Facebook status every 30 seconds, there's Twitter for a reason!
For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.
"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)
If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.
I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.
When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?
My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.
Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.
Why is there a show called When animals attack? It should be called When stupid people go near dangerous animals.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
Google earth view gives you the amazing chance to see amazing places all over the world, from the comfort of your own home. With this amazing privilege, what do most people look at? Their own house, their friends houses, and mostly places they have already been to.
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Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is…?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…

Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun

(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!

(2) I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

(3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

(4) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

(5) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

(6) I’m not a complete idiot–some parts are missing.

(7) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

(8) NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

(9) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

(10) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

(11) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

(12) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

(13) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

(14) MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

(15) Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

(16) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up

(17) Procrastinate Now

(18) Rehab Is for Quitters

(19) My Dog Can Lick Anyone