Famous Funny Quotes Definition
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I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.... Love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I AM Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.
However, the passage “He's always, always in my mind” suggests a lack of balance, at least on the heroine’s part. Rather than loving Heathcliff, from the point of view of the definition offered here, she seems to be engulfed and obsessed with him
The amount of sharing of identity is crucial for a secure bond. Each lover needs to treat the other as of equal value as self, neither more nor less. The idea of equality of valuing self and other equally means that the loving person can see both persons' needs objectively, without overvaluing self or other. This idea is represented in the airline instructions that the parent place the oxygen mask first on her/his face first, not on the dependent child.
The idea of love involving equality of self and other has been touched on by many earlier discussions. Sullivan (1945, p. 20) states the idea exactly: “When the satisfaction or the security of the other person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.” Note that he doesn’t say that the other is more significant, only as significant. But like most of the other discussions of this point, Sullivan doesn’t dwell upon it or provide examples. It is mentioned casually, and in passing.
This idea can be linked to the more general framework of social integration (alienation/solidarity). True love involves being neither dependent (engulfed) nor independent (isolated), but interdependent, to use Elias’s terms (1972). It is particularly important to distinguish between a secure and an engulfed bond, since most social science confounds these two types.
In an engulfed bond, one or both partners give up basic aspects of self in order to be loyal to the other. In a traditional marriage, for example, the wife often suppressed anger and resentment to the point that it seemed to disappear, in order to be loyal to her husband. Perhaps this is the major source of emotional estrangement in long-term relationships.
Those who are infatuated or heartbroken with “love” do not have a secure bond. In cases of infatuation at a distance, the contact that is necessary for the development of attunement is missing; there goes “love at first sight.” Even where there is contact, the infatuated or heartbroken one may be so self-absorbed (isolated) or engulfed to the point that attunement cannot occur. As will be considered in the next chapter, these two states are consistently presented in popular song lyrics as if they were genuine love.
Solidarity and alienation are usually discussed as if they were macro phenomena, occurring only in large groups or even whole societies. But these concepts are also useful at the level of interpersonal relations, both over long spans of time and also moment by moment.
Love is usually thought of as long term, involving commitment to the relationship. But love can also be seen as occurring or not, moment by moment. In fact, the moment by moment occurrence of love and other emotions may point toward an important issue in defining attunement in genuine love.
Marshall Rosenberg (1999), defining what he calls “non-violent communication,” has suggested that in close relationships, maintaining empathic connectedness (what I have been referring to as attunement) must be treated as more important than any particular topic being discussed. This idea seems to go to the very heart of genuine love, since it brings up the issue of impediments to love and resulting lapses.
In Rosenberg’s workshops, this question often arises in parent-child relationships, when a mother or father complains about a child’s behavior. For example, a mother may repeat dialogue between her and her son about getting his homework done before watching TV or playing electronic games. Rosenberg begins by explaining that the child has a need for autonomy, for being his own persons, as well as a need for remaining connected with the parent.
This idea seems to be lost on the parent. She will ask: “So how do I get him to do the homework?” The parent seems to have the idea that what is involved is a test of wills, and that the way to go is to have a stronger will than the child. Rosenberg then goes on to explain that the parent needs to show that empathic connectedness is more important to her than getting the homework done. That is, that she respects the child’s need for autonomy.
In terms of love, Rosenberg’s idea seems to be that in genuine love, the lovers show that maintaining attunement is usually more important than anything else. That is, nothing outside of the relationship (work, children, household tasks, and so on) is more important than the relationship itself.
One implication is that any kind of ultimatum, no matter how subtle, violates the love contract. One of the ways this issue comes up is in discussions of commitment between men and women. Because of differences in upbringing, often it is the woman in a relationship who confronts the man about his commitment. Typically, both sides behave badly in this confrontation. Here is a dialogue between students in one my classes that illustrates the problem.
Confronted by Janey, Charlie appears to feel cornered. It doesn’t matter whether he actually doesn’t know, or if he is just stalling. He has disconnected. Whatever love the two have for each other is not happening in this particular episode, because there is no attunement.
idea of attunement also may help to understand the intensity of the feeling of love. Balanced attunement is a way of describing a secure bond; the corresponding emotion is genuine (authentic) pride. Just as shame/embarrassment are the emotions of lack of attunement, so pride is generated by attunement (Chapter 3). Even for non-erotic love, the conjunction of feelings of attachment and genuine pride, the absence of sadness and shame, presumably can give rise to powerful sensations of wellbeing. In erotic love, when further conjoined with sexual arousal, these three different rivers of sensation may be the most intense pleasurable experience of which humans are capable.
To understand the emotional components of love, it is necessary to consider both the presence and the absence of emotions. First consider the emotions connected with attachment and separation. Sadness (grief) is the crucial indicator of attachment: we miss the loved one when she or he is away, and we are struck down with grief at their loss. But what is the motion connected with the presence of the loved one? Joy is too strong a word for this feeling. I suppose one might say that rather than feeling a particular feeling, one merely feels normal, or the absence of pain.
But the situation maybe a bit more complex than it seems. Suppose that in modern industrial/urban societies, one experiences a sense of separation from others early on in childhood. There is such intense pressure for individuation and individual achievement and recognition that we are practically forced to separate ourselves from others. Not just our parents, but from all others, even, to some extent, from those closest to us.
Supposing, for the sake of discussion, that modern societies give rise to this kind of extreme separation in virtually every one, what would be the consequences? There are two that I think are relevant to understanding the emotion of love. First, we all learn to defend against feelings of loneliness and isolation. That is to say, we learn to suppress and/or ignore these painful feelings. Secondly, however, this kind of maneuver is usually only partially successful. Most of us go through most of our life bearing at least a hint of sadness as background to our activities.
But genuine love silences this background noise, at least temporarily. When one is connected with the loved one, one feels normal in the sense of sadness being absent. The attachment emotion may be the absence of sadness, as if a heavy weight has been lifted.
The same reasoning applies to the presence of pride that accompanies the shared identity and awareness during moments of genuine love. The feeling of authentic pride that is registered is not only that of the emotion itself, but also, and probably much more intensely, the absence of the background noise of humiliation, shame and embarrassment.
However, the passage “He's always, always in my mind” suggests a lack of balance, at least on the heroine’s part. Rather than loving Heathcliff, from the point of view of the definition offered here, she seems to be engulfed and obsessed with him
The amount of sharing of identity is crucial for a secure bond. Each lover needs to treat the other as of equal value as self, neither more nor less. The idea of equality of valuing self and other equally means that the loving person can see both persons' needs objectively, without overvaluing self or other. This idea is represented in the airline instructions that the parent place the oxygen mask first on her/his face first, not on the dependent child.
The idea of love involving equality of self and other has been touched on by many earlier discussions. Sullivan (1945, p. 20) states the idea exactly: “When the satisfaction or the security of the other person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.” Note that he doesn’t say that the other is more significant, only as significant. But like most of the other discussions of this point, Sullivan doesn’t dwell upon it or provide examples. It is mentioned casually, and in passing.
This idea can be linked to the more general framework of social integration (alienation/solidarity). True love involves being neither dependent (engulfed) nor independent (isolated), but interdependent, to use Elias’s terms (1972). It is particularly important to distinguish between a secure and an engulfed bond, since most social science confounds these two types.
In an engulfed bond, one or both partners give up basic aspects of self in order to be loyal to the other. In a traditional marriage, for example, the wife often suppressed anger and resentment to the point that it seemed to disappear, in order to be loyal to her husband. Perhaps this is the major source of emotional estrangement in long-term relationships.
Those who are infatuated or heartbroken with “love” do not have a secure bond. In cases of infatuation at a distance, the contact that is necessary for the development of attunement is missing; there goes “love at first sight.” Even where there is contact, the infatuated or heartbroken one may be so self-absorbed (isolated) or engulfed to the point that attunement cannot occur. As will be considered in the next chapter, these two states are consistently presented in popular song lyrics as if they were genuine love.
Solidarity and alienation are usually discussed as if they were macro phenomena, occurring only in large groups or even whole societies. But these concepts are also useful at the level of interpersonal relations, both over long spans of time and also moment by moment.
Love is usually thought of as long term, involving commitment to the relationship. But love can also be seen as occurring or not, moment by moment. In fact, the moment by moment occurrence of love and other emotions may point toward an important issue in defining attunement in genuine love.
Marshall Rosenberg (1999), defining what he calls “non-violent communication,” has suggested that in close relationships, maintaining empathic connectedness (what I have been referring to as attunement) must be treated as more important than any particular topic being discussed. This idea seems to go to the very heart of genuine love, since it brings up the issue of impediments to love and resulting lapses.
In Rosenberg’s workshops, this question often arises in parent-child relationships, when a mother or father complains about a child’s behavior. For example, a mother may repeat dialogue between her and her son about getting his homework done before watching TV or playing electronic games. Rosenberg begins by explaining that the child has a need for autonomy, for being his own persons, as well as a need for remaining connected with the parent.
This idea seems to be lost on the parent. She will ask: “So how do I get him to do the homework?” The parent seems to have the idea that what is involved is a test of wills, and that the way to go is to have a stronger will than the child. Rosenberg then goes on to explain that the parent needs to show that empathic connectedness is more important to her than getting the homework done. That is, that she respects the child’s need for autonomy.
In terms of love, Rosenberg’s idea seems to be that in genuine love, the lovers show that maintaining attunement is usually more important than anything else. That is, nothing outside of the relationship (work, children, household tasks, and so on) is more important than the relationship itself.
One implication is that any kind of ultimatum, no matter how subtle, violates the love contract. One of the ways this issue comes up is in discussions of commitment between men and women. Because of differences in upbringing, often it is the woman in a relationship who confronts the man about his commitment. Typically, both sides behave badly in this confrontation. Here is a dialogue between students in one my classes that illustrates the problem.
Confronted by Janey, Charlie appears to feel cornered. It doesn’t matter whether he actually doesn’t know, or if he is just stalling. He has disconnected. Whatever love the two have for each other is not happening in this particular episode, because there is no attunement.
idea of attunement also may help to understand the intensity of the feeling of love. Balanced attunement is a way of describing a secure bond; the corresponding emotion is genuine (authentic) pride. Just as shame/embarrassment are the emotions of lack of attunement, so pride is generated by attunement (Chapter 3). Even for non-erotic love, the conjunction of feelings of attachment and genuine pride, the absence of sadness and shame, presumably can give rise to powerful sensations of wellbeing. In erotic love, when further conjoined with sexual arousal, these three different rivers of sensation may be the most intense pleasurable experience of which humans are capable.
To understand the emotional components of love, it is necessary to consider both the presence and the absence of emotions. First consider the emotions connected with attachment and separation. Sadness (grief) is the crucial indicator of attachment: we miss the loved one when she or he is away, and we are struck down with grief at their loss. But what is the motion connected with the presence of the loved one? Joy is too strong a word for this feeling. I suppose one might say that rather than feeling a particular feeling, one merely feels normal, or the absence of pain.
But the situation maybe a bit more complex than it seems. Suppose that in modern industrial/urban societies, one experiences a sense of separation from others early on in childhood. There is such intense pressure for individuation and individual achievement and recognition that we are practically forced to separate ourselves from others. Not just our parents, but from all others, even, to some extent, from those closest to us.
Supposing, for the sake of discussion, that modern societies give rise to this kind of extreme separation in virtually every one, what would be the consequences? There are two that I think are relevant to understanding the emotion of love. First, we all learn to defend against feelings of loneliness and isolation. That is to say, we learn to suppress and/or ignore these painful feelings. Secondly, however, this kind of maneuver is usually only partially successful. Most of us go through most of our life bearing at least a hint of sadness as background to our activities.
But genuine love silences this background noise, at least temporarily. When one is connected with the loved one, one feels normal in the sense of sadness being absent. The attachment emotion may be the absence of sadness, as if a heavy weight has been lifted.
The same reasoning applies to the presence of pride that accompanies the shared identity and awareness during moments of genuine love. The feeling of authentic pride that is registered is not only that of the emotion itself, but also, and probably much more intensely, the absence of the background noise of humiliation, shame and embarrassment.
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
Famous funny quotes
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