Funny Quotes 2013: Crazy Funny Quotes

Crazy Funny Quotes Definition

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feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~ Frank Sinatra
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~ Ernest Hemingway
“When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun, but when you mix the two you become a dumbass.”
~ That 70’s Show
“Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.”
~ N.F. Simpson
“No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink.”
~ G. K. Chesterton
“I got so wasted one night I waited for the stop sign to change, and it did.”
~ Steve Krabitz
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“All is fair in love and beer.”
~ Kurt Paradis
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handey
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
~ Ogden Nash
“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”
~ Jimmy Breslin
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
~ Joe E. Lewis
“We drink [to] one another’s health and spoil our own.”
~ Jerome K. Jerome
“If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.”
~ Anonymous
“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”
~ The Simpsons
“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
~ Frantois Rabelais
“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
~ Steve Fergosi
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
~ Steven Wright
“Drink what you want; drink what you’re able. If you are drinking with me, you’ll be under the table.”
~ Anonymous
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
“I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.”
~ Oscar Levant
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
~ W.C. Fields
“I drink to make other people interesting.”
~ George Jean Nathan
“Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.”
~ Catherine Zandonella
“Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.”
~ Anonymous
“I find the more I drink, the more interesting others become.”
~ Tom Ralphs
“I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved.”
~ George Gobel
“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.”
~ The Simpsons
“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”
~ Lord Byron
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
~ Dean Martin
“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”
~ Jim Morrison
“Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.”
~ Dry
“Maybe talking when I’m piss ass drunk isn’t entirely bright.”
~ Chris McGowanHerb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.
Bob Marley
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.
Winston Churchill
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw
Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
Carl Jung
When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.
Ernest Hemingway
Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
Jim Carrey
Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being an interesting person.
Marilyn vos Savant
Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
Raymond Chandler
Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror.
William S. Burroughs
I wish all teenagers can filter through songs instead of turning to drugs and alcohol.
Taylor Swift
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Dick Gregory
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
Finley Peter Dunne There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.
Ovid
I don't even drink! I can't stand the taste of alcohol. Every New Year's Eve I try one drink and every time it makes me feel sick. So I don't touch booze - I'm always the designated driver.
Kim Kardashian
As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.
Jim Ramstad
Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny.
Marguerite Duras
As women slowly gain power, their values and priorities are reshaping the agenda. A multitude of studies show that when women control the family funds, they generally spend more on health, nutrition, and education - and less on alcohol and cigarettes.
Dee Dee Myers

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Save the whales, collect the whole set

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I wont rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81

90% of all statistics are made up

A man needs a good memory after he has lied.

A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Apple copyright 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve, rotting, outdated, and used by only worms.

Bad knee, gotta run - Pat Buchanan to his draft board

Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?

Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out!

Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.

C++ should have been called B

COINCIDENCE happens.

Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!

Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin