Funny Quotes 2013

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Funny Graduation Quotes

Funny Graduation Quotes Definition

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It might be said now that I have the best of both worlds. A Harvard education and a Yale degree.
John F. Kennedy
God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars.
Elbert Hubbard
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.
Tom Brokaw
Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.
T. S. Eliot
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen
For a man to attain to an eminent degree in learning costs him time, watching, hunger, nakedness, dizziness in the head, weakness in the stomach, and other inconveniences.
Miguel de Cervantes
Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree.
Marian Wright Edelman
I always wanted to have my own album released before I graduated from high school.
Christina Aguilera
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. -
Robert Orben
Education is a progressive discovery of your own ignorance. -
Will Durant
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -
Mark Twain
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section. -
Norm Crosby
Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money. -
Gary Bolding
I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.
Bob Newhart
We don't stop going to school when we graduate.
Carol Burnett
It is virtually impossible to compete in today's global economy without a college degree.
Bobby Scott
I'm not impressed by someone's degree... I'm impressed by them making movies.
Richard King
During the graduation ceremony, you want to say a few words to the eager audience. In your speech, you use a familiar joke. To your horror, nobody even smiles, forget laugh. You go crimson in the ears and want to end your speech at the earliest. Sounds like a familiar situation? Very often, people don't realize that a funny graduation quote always works with audiences. Don’t repeat familiar jokes; rather use a funny graduation quote to add mirth to your speech. Here are some that could help you make a great speech.

Funny Graduation Quotes

Best Funny Quotes

Best Funny Quotes Definition

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Quotes for training, personal development, and inspiration. Quotes provide helpful references and inspirational examples for business and life.
These quotes below here are mainly funny as well as inspirational and motivational.
Now moved to its own page, see the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational quotes for leadership, training, personal visualization, etc.
Below remain some other famous quotes, funny maxims and sayings, also love quotes for writing and speeches, fun and amusement.
Here are training cliches, maxims and sayings.
Many of the quotations here are good training aids. Quotes help convey complex issues, and can be very memorable and attitude-changing.
Some quotes are deep and meaningful; others deeply amusing, like the alleged quotes from letters to the council.
While sources are checked and clarified wherever possible, authenticity for all quotes cannot be guaranteed - these quotes are not meant to be a historical archive, they're here because they are motivational, inspirational, amusing or otherwise helpful for teachers, learners, leaders and communicators.
If you know the source of any of the unattributed quotes or sayings here please let me know so that acknowledgement can be given.
Inspirational quotes for leadership and personal development are now here.
See also the amusing real funny insurance claims, real funny Weakest Link answers, real funny Family Fortunes answers, and stories and metaphors for training and learning.
Included in this quotes page are several principles and 'laws' which are helpful in business, management, teaching and training, for example:
Parkinson's Law
Parkinson's Triviality Law - also known as the Bikeshed Colour effect
The Peter Principle
The Pareto Principle (Pareto's Law, or the 80/20 Rule)
The 1st Law of Cybernetics (the Law of Requisite Variety)
Glass Half-Full or Half-Empty (have your say.. main collection now on the Glass Half-Full/Empty Quotes page)
Generations X, Y, Baby Boomers, etc
See the (now moved) collection of more serious inspirational and motivational quotes.
Please note that where quotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory.
Send your favourite quote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors.
funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms
These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant..1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz. - Funny Quotes

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll. - Funny Quotes

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28). - Funny Quotes

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen. - Funny Quotes

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe. - Funny Quotes

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire. - Funny Quotes

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain. - Funny Quotes

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson. - Funny Quotes

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson. - Funny Quotes

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright. - Funny Quotes
21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey. - Funny Quotes

22. ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” - Milton Berle. - Funny Quotes

24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost. - Funny Quotes

27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar. - Funny Quotes

28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope. - Funny Quotes

30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles. - Funny Quotes

31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov. - Funny Quotes

32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand. - Funny Quotes

33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman. - Funny Quotes

34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson. - Funny Quotes

37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Woody Allen. - Funny Quotes

38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner. - Funny Quotes
41. “Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

42. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

43. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

44. “Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

45. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

46. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde. - Funny Quotes

47. “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

48. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” - Ashleigh Brilliant. - Funny Quotes

49. “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose. - Funny Quotes

50. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

Best Funny Quotes

Crazy Funny Quotes

Crazy Funny Quotes Definition

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feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~ Frank Sinatra
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~ Ernest Hemingway
“When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun, but when you mix the two you become a dumbass.”
~ That 70’s Show
“Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.”
~ N.F. Simpson
“No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink.”
~ G. K. Chesterton
“I got so wasted one night I waited for the stop sign to change, and it did.”
~ Steve Krabitz
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“All is fair in love and beer.”
~ Kurt Paradis
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handey
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
~ Ogden Nash
“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”
~ Jimmy Breslin
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
~ Joe E. Lewis
“We drink [to] one another’s health and spoil our own.”
~ Jerome K. Jerome
“If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.”
~ Anonymous
“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”
~ The Simpsons
“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
~ Frantois Rabelais
“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
~ Steve Fergosi
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
~ Steven Wright
“Drink what you want; drink what you’re able. If you are drinking with me, you’ll be under the table.”
~ Anonymous
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
“I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.”
~ Oscar Levant
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
~ W.C. Fields
“I drink to make other people interesting.”
~ George Jean Nathan
“Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.”
~ Catherine Zandonella
“Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.”
~ Anonymous
“I find the more I drink, the more interesting others become.”
~ Tom Ralphs
“I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved.”
~ George Gobel
“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.”
~ The Simpsons
“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”
~ Lord Byron
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
~ Dean Martin
“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”
~ Jim Morrison
“Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.”
~ Dry
“Maybe talking when I’m piss ass drunk isn’t entirely bright.”
~ Chris McGowanHerb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.
Bob Marley
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.
Winston Churchill
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw
Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
Carl Jung
When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.
Ernest Hemingway
Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
Jim Carrey
Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being an interesting person.
Marilyn vos Savant
Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
Raymond Chandler
Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror.
William S. Burroughs
I wish all teenagers can filter through songs instead of turning to drugs and alcohol.
Taylor Swift
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Dick Gregory
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
Finley Peter Dunne There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.
Ovid
I don't even drink! I can't stand the taste of alcohol. Every New Year's Eve I try one drink and every time it makes me feel sick. So I don't touch booze - I'm always the designated driver.
Kim Kardashian
As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.
Jim Ramstad
Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny.
Marguerite Duras
As women slowly gain power, their values and priorities are reshaping the agenda. A multitude of studies show that when women control the family funds, they generally spend more on health, nutrition, and education - and less on alcohol and cigarettes.
Dee Dee Myers

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Save the whales, collect the whole set

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I wont rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81

90% of all statistics are made up

A man needs a good memory after he has lied.

A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Apple copyright 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve, rotting, outdated, and used by only worms.

Bad knee, gotta run - Pat Buchanan to his draft board

Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?

Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out!

Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.

C++ should have been called B

COINCIDENCE happens.

Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!

Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin

Crazy Funny Quotes

Funny Retirement Quotes

Funny Retirement Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
Anonymous
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
George Bernard Shaw
Retirement to me does not mean nothing to do but the realization of the decisions I made in the past. That I made in my life.
Jack Bowman
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!
Groucho Marx
I feel like early retirement is an incredible gift. It's a gift that everyone should give themselves.
Anonymous
Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known.
Lord Chesterfield
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Abe Lemons
I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension!
Anonymous
Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.
Harry Emerson Fosdick
When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned.
Richard Milhouse Nixon
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.
George Burns
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
Gene Perret
Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials - much to live on and much to live for.
Anonymous
We have no porch, no rocking chair - and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do. Now I encourage people to retire - the younger the better.
Maurice Musholt
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
Malcolm Forbes
Age (and retirement) appear to be best in four things - old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
Francis Bacon
As to that leisure evening of life, I must say that I do not want it. I can conceive of no contentment of which toil is not to be the immediate parent.
Anthony Trollope
No longer having to punch a time clock is my definition of retirement. That way I could do what I want - when I want - anytime I want.
Brooky Brown
There are so many other interesting ways to spend your time. I feel like early retirement is a gift, but it's such an incredible gift. It's a gift I need to use.
Martha Felt-Bardon
The money's no better in retirement but the hours are!
Anonymous
I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.
Anonymous
Retirement is surely one of those times in life when you get a second chance to being free again, after student life got over. Make sure you make the most of your retirement days!
People who refuse to rest honorably on their laurels when they reach retirement age seem very admirable to me.
Helen Hayes
It was the labor movement that helped secure so much of what we take for granted today. The 40-hour work week, the minimum wage, family leave, health insurance, Social Security, Medicare, retirement plans. The cornerstones of the middle-class security all bear the union label.
Barack Obama
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.
Drew Carey A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service. - Harry Mahtar

* A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

* Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. - Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

* First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

* Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

* Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

* Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949

* I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

* I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule

* I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

* I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! – Anonymous

* I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps. - Merri Brownworth

* If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

* If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

* If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin, actor, comedian, singer

* In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

* In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day. – Anonymous

* Life begins at retirement. – Anonymous

* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. – Anonymous

* Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. - J. Lubbock

* Retire from work, but not from life. - M.K. Soni

* Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

* Retirement has been a discovery of beauty for me. I never had the time before to notice the beauty of my grandkids, my wife, the tree outside my very own front door. And, the beauty of time itself. - Hartman Jule

* Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

* Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. - Ernest Hemingway, writer

* Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

* Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it. - Abigail Charleson

* Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm Forbes

* Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

* Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

* Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." - Gene Perret

* Retirement: World's longest coffee break. – Anonymous

* Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. - Douglas Pagels, These

* Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You

* The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. – Anonymous

* The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. – Anonymous

* The money's no better in retirement but the hours are! - Anonymous

* The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman, prize fighter

* The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller, comedian

* The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

* There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half

* There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes, cartoonist

* When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

* When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

* When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. – Anonymous

* When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

* You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Anonymous

* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

Funny Retirement Quotes

Cute And Funny Quotes

Cute And Funny Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
I define non-erotic love as having two main components, attachment, on the one hand, and attunement, on the other. Romantic love also has these two components, as well as third, sexual attraction. Attachment is a physical bond, attunement, in the sense of a balanced sense of shared identity and awareness, a psychological and emotional bond. The two together can provide a definition of non-erotic love much less ambiguous than the vernacular ones..
Attachment gives a physical sense of a connection to the other. The most obvious cue to attachment is sadness when the other is absent or lost, and the sense of normality and fulfillment when the other returns. Another, less frequent cue, is the sense of having always known a person whom we have just met. This feeling may be extremely intense when it occurs, but it also may be completely absent.
Feelings of loss are not continuous, but they are much more stable than attunement, which varies from moment to moment. The attachment component accounts for an otherwise puzzling aspect of “love” in its vernacular sense: how one can “love” someone that one doesn’t even like? One is attached, despite one’s negative cognitive/emotional reaction to the other, and despite the other’s behavior, no matter how rejecting. A popular song from the 40’s evokes this kind of “love”:Physical attachment gives the lover a sense of urgency, even desperation. Furthermore, attachment is like imprinting in other creatures; it occurs very early in infancy, and may last a lifetime. It is attachment that makes loss of a love one profoundly and unavoidably painful. After such a loss, one may suffer grief for many months or years. Grief is the price that our bodies exact for lost attachment.
When we lose a loved one, we may be in great pain, off and on, for a long period of time. This process is biologically based on genetic inheritance. It cannot be completely avoided. But it can be very long, months or years, or shorter, depending upon the completeness of mourning. If one does what Freud called “the grief work,” the work of mourning, the amount and duration of pain may be lessened.
However, modern societies have difficulty recognizing the necessity of mourning. Our individualistic ethos maintains that we are all self-contained, not recognizing how dependent we are on others, especially those we are attached to. After a loss, a person who cries for more than a month or so may be told get a grip, or see a psychiatrist, or take a tranquilizer. Such attitudes interfere with mourning, which is always necessary because attachment is genetically based.
However, there is probably a link between the attachment system and the attunement system. Attachment can find new objects based on clear or obscure similarities with an early attachment figure. This process has been described in psychoanalysis, under the name of “transference.”
Transference produces a link between the attachment and the attunement systems. Most people become deeply attached to their country of birth. Patriotic feelings seemed be based in part, on attachment. Since the smell of one’s native land is probably not a primary source of attachment, it may be that it arises from transference of the feelings one has an infant and small child for one’s parents to one’s country. Most citizens more or less blindly admired and obeyed their parents as children, and as adults more or less blindly admire and obey their government.
States of attunement, unlike attachment, vary from moment to moment. There is a dialectic of closeness and distance, reaffirming not only the union, but also the individuality of the lovers. The idea of the love bond as involving both continuous attachment and a balance between self and other solves a critical problem in the meaning of love. The bestseller Women Who Love Too Much (1985) describes continuing relationships with husbands who are abusive of wife or children, or both.
The women profess that they can’t leave these men because they love them too much. Since the word love is used so broadly in vernacular English, this usage is perfectly proper. But these kinds of relationships fail the test in terms of the way love is being defined here, because they lack balance between self and other. The husband is overvalued; the wife undervalues herself and/or the children. The wives are engulfed with their husbands. In these cases, the word love serves as denial of pathological dependency and/or passivity.The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. ~Charles Morgan

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

Ah me! love can not be cured by herbs. ~Ovid

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. ~Eric Fromm

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran

Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway. ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. ~Malagasy Proverb

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella

For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard

Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Sandra J. Dykes

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown

Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb

The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~Theodor Reik, Of Love and Lust, 1957

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
~William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law. ~Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, A.D. 524

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde

Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~Henry David Thoreau

To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein

The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough. ~George MooreI have friends who are great joke-tellers. They time their lines perfectly. But, "joke delivery" was never my cup of tea. I excel in sharing cute funny quotes. And somehow, it seems to get my listeners' funny bone. You can also work on being a funny person by using some cute funny quotes. Start with this page of funny quotes.
Barry Goldwater
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
Roger Kahn
I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.
Robert Paul
My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.
Miguel de Unamuno
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.
Alexander Woollcott
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Ron Nesen
Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
Jay Leno
Don't forget Mother's Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Tom Snyder
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
Benjamin Franklin
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Anonymous
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Confidence: wear it like make-up!
Stop planning your life, and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy & let him find you. If you dont want drama then dont talk ****. Things are only as complicated as you make them..
she was the kind of girl that never let the guys get the best of her, that didn’t fall in love easily, until that one guy came along
It’s not cause I don’t like you, it’s just that I’m scared of loving and losing
she’s not perfect, & neither is he
but together, they just might be
& most of all;
i’m scared of not being
good enough.